Boundary Busters

I must confess. The concept of a boundary in a relationship was foreign to me until I was in my mid thirties. I grew up in a home where they did not exist, and so as I moved into adulthood, I began to have trouble in "boundariless" relationships. This was not only true with the opposite sex but with abusive females, and even children at times (As much as we don't want to believe it, children can be abusive since we are all born with a sinful nature). As a result, I became a doormat. It was no secret that it was easy to walk all over me and and so I seemed to either invite the people who were already in my life (family members, spouse, etc.) to do just that or attract new people who were gunning for an easy target. At times I wondered if I had a flashing light attached to my head that read "Abuse Me!"

But there comes a time in many of our lives where the risks of unhealthy behaviors outweigh the seeming benefits, and that tipping of the scale motivates us to change. For me it was the birth of my second child. I'd known for a long time that the situation I was in was unhealthy, but I didn't want to "rock the boat" as water logged with problems as it was. Besides, I was a Christian and God was going to heal my marriage. Right? I still wholeheartedly believe God could have done that. Problem was, both parties have to want to make positive changes in order for that to happen. At any rate, the risks of continuing on with things as they were became frightfully evident to me as I finally admitted I was in real trouble -we were capsizing and my children and I were going to be the ones to drown. The first step really is admitting there's a problem. I really needed a life raft.

It came to me in the form of the book "Boundaries in Marriage" (Cloud and Townsend). When I read the definition of a boundary, I realized I'd been lacking them all of my life! No wonder I found myself in the boat I was in! As I read, I began to take baby steps toward establishing boundaries in my relationships. I didn't have any control over the behavior of the abusive people around me, but I (and the Holy Spirit) did have control over what I would accept from them. Being berated, cursed at, and demeaned in order to keep the peace were no longer on my list. It was so empowering to take ownership for my own behavior without taking the blame for that of others.

The authors of "Boundaries" state that the ultimate goal is to establish boundaries in order to have healthier relationships, but they warn that some people will walk away from the relationship rather than change. Sadly, as I tried to make healthier choices, the toxic people in my life, didn't take too kindly to the positive changes in me. I attended Christian counseling during this chrysalis period in my life as well as a support group. When I expressed dismay about how some people were responding to my boundary setting (the most common response was anger), the leader of the group, a licensed therapist said, "Of course they're angry. They've worked really hard to train you to accept their abuse. How dare you get healthy?" Ultimately, those relationships, including my marriage came to an end, but I emerged from the long transformation process as a butterfly.

The best illustration of what happened in what I've come to view as a God-initiated clean-sweep of the boundary busters in my life came from another counselor who told me as he held up both hands, fingers curled, and fitted them together, "You've been bending to fit an unhealthy pattern." Next he straightened one hand and brought it away from the other one. "As you get healthier, and they're unwilling and/or unable to unbend and get healthier too, you don't fit together anymore."

For years, when I was "boundariless", I felt withered. The strong, confident, independent woman inside me was dying. Looking back at pictures from that time in my life, I see that I was literally bent. I walked with my shoulders hunched and resembled Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Not re Dame. Today, with godly boundaries in place, it feels so good to stand up straight and stretch toward the light of who God created me to be.

Still, there are times when I encounter boundary busters. Though I don't have to deal with other people projecting their negative stuff onto me on a daily basis, boundary busters abound in the community, schools, workplace and even the church. I'm astounded by some people's audacity and their inability to take responsibility for their own actions. Sometimes I feel like Ray Parker, Jr. when he sang, "When there's something wrong in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Ghost Busters!" Sometimes I want to call 1-800-Boundary-Busters!

But as I've continued to work on myself, I've come to the realization that there is no such boundary busters task force. Satan is the master of this cunning craft as he demonstrated in the Garden of Eden. God set a boundary to protect Adam and Eve, yet Satan persuaded Eve to eat from the forbidden Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. We as a human race have struggled with boundaries ever since.

So how do we combat boundary busters?

I've referred a lot to the "Boundaries in Marriage" book which is only one in the "Boundaries" series that includes titles such as "Boundaries in Parenting", "Boundaries in Dating", etc., but ultimately our boundaries are set out in the Bible, God's ultimate Boundary Book. It addresses every relationship and how we are to conduct ourselves in a manner that is respectful of the other person and ourselves, and that is God-honoring.

I joked about wearing a flashing sign asking to be abused, but in all seriousness, studies have been conducted that prove in a room full of people, the abusers will be drawn to the ones who will accept abuse. But we can draw the line before we get into abusive relationships or let unhealthy patterns develop in our existing ones. We've been given an internal Boundary Buster Alert in the form of the Holy Spirit. It's been called a red flag, or a check in the spirit. For too long I ignored mine, mistakenly believing I was being a peacemaker when I let people abuse me.

Boundaries are necessary and positive and a lack of them results in negative outcomes. An example of this is children who have no boundaries enforced in their lives. How many times have you heard someone say that children want boundaries to make them feel safe? The world is a scary, uncertain place when no limits are set. For children and for us.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is something I have to work hard at every day. I struggle between wanting to speak the truth in love and wanting to speak it in something else! My spirit wants to give a godly response while my flesh wants to rise up and give a worldly one. Oh well, the attempt at balance keeps me near the cross and calling on Him.

I guess there is a Boundary Buster hot line after all.

~Truly, Tammi

Tell Me Truly

What about you? Have you ever had a time where you had to set a boundary in a relationship? Was it difficult? Why or why not? Please let me know. I will write back. Also, if you enjoy my blog, please consider becoming a follower. Blessings!

Doormat or Open Door?

Tomorrow I'm training at our district's Professional Development Day. My topic is Communication Styles and Building Relationships. Another center director, Wendy, and I are team teaching. She was my mentor director when I was first hired by the company (she was actually given the task of wooing me and convincing me to go with our company over the competition), and we've spent a good deal of time together since she won me over. We usually ride to meetings together and are often paired up to do trainings. In short, we've gotten to know each other pretty well over the past two years.

Last week, we got together with all of the other directors to do a mock presentation of our training. One of the first activities is having the group complete an assessment to determine everyone's primary communication style. A summary of each style follows:

Intuitors - look forward to future with a global perspective, good with concepts, able to relate diverse thoughts and ideas into meaningful wholes, think about how systems and people interrelate, display good innovative ability and skill at looking at the "big picture" (most planners are Intuitors)

Thinkers - desire to relate to their surroundings and others by thinking things through, usually develop good analytical skills, focus on being precise and systematic in their approach to problems, focus on entire spectrum and want to know about factors that led up to a situation (historical background), what is happening now, and what outcome will be (many accountants are Thinkers)

Feelers- prefer to deal with situations according to their "feeling" perceptions, respond with gut reactions, highly sociable, use empathy and understanding in solutions to problems, perceptive of others' needs and are able to discern what lies beneath surface, time orientation is primarily toward past (many sales persons and leaders are Feelers)

Sensers - practical and action-oriented, like facts but are only interested in most relevant ones, focus on present and on the immediate goal, task oriented and need to get results, speak quickly and to the point and are so matter-of-fact their demeanor can almost seem abrupt (many judges are Sensers)

I had taken this assessment once before, in Minneapolis when I attended my new center director training, but as the other directors, including my co-presenter took it, I did it again just to see if I would score the same as I had then.

When we were finished no one was surprised that I was the only one who scored as a Feeler. Wendy asked me what I thought the disadvantages were, but before I could answer, she said, "Basically that you're a doormat." I must confess, I was a little shocked that she views me this way. I quickly pointed out that Feelers are often sales persons and leaders (skills I use daily as a child care center manager), and that I have no problem standing up when necessary, like in collecting tuition. Wendy laughed and had to concede that I d0 lay the warm fuzzies aside when parents are delinquent with their payments.

But her statement got me thinking. I've thought about it all weekend, and finally had to write about it. Am I a doormat? I know I used to be one. Being a doormat for most of my adult life got me into and kept me in many abusive relationships.

As a child I remember having strong opinions on what game to play or what to do next, but I usually just went along with the other person, not because I didn't have a preference but because peace was more important to me than getting my way. But every once in a while, when my friends wanted to doing something I didn't agree with, something that was wrong, I would stand my ground. When I did, I can remember watching surprise register on their faces. The surprise would soon be replaced with something else: respect.

So even as a child, I was a fairly peaceable person who tried to avoid conflict. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't an angel, so though I seldom started any fights, I sure finished a few! I think I was born with a strong fight or flight instinct, so if I really felt threatened or backed into a corner, say by a bully (having grown up in one of the roughest areas of the city, I encountered a few), I would defend myself.

As an adult, I continued to run into boundary busters. For a while I seemed to collect them like bad pennies. More than one person told me I must have a flashing light attached to my head that reads "Abuse me." I think that's a little extreme, but I do admit it was pretty easy to bust my boundaries because I didn't even know they existed.

Nowhere was this more evident than in my marriage. When I got married, I thought the days of having to defend myself were over. Sadly, I learned that sometimes those closest to you hurt you the most. The principal of one of the Christian schools where I taught once did a chapel service on dignity and respect. These were the things that came under attack in the early days of my abusive marriage. Even though I didn't know what boundaries were, my spirit knew mine were being busted big time. My immediate response was to go into that self defensive fight or flight mode.

As I grew in the Lord, however, my desire to stay married caused me to go too far for the sake of keeping the peace. I really did become a doormat.

Over time, as the abuse escalated, I sought counseling and was introduced to the concept of boundaries. When I attempted to set them in my marriage and with some other toxic people, the reaction was very different from that of my childhood friends when I stood up for what was right. Instead of respect, when I stood up for myself and requested that I be treated with dignity and respect, I experienced anger.

A counselor explained their reaction this way, "Of course they're angry. It took them a long time to train you to accept their abuse. How dare you decide to get healthy?"

In the book Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud and Townsend), the authors warn that when you choose to set boundaries in relationships that have been abusive, the abusers may choose to walk away from the relationship.

Am I a doormat? Quite the contrary. I'm not divorced because I'm a doormat. I'm divorced because I decided to get up off the floor. My abusive wasband didn't like that, so he chose to walk away. As did some others. There was a time when I would have been devastated by the loss of those relationships. But what kind of relationship is it when all you are good for is to be walked all over?

The thing is, I think they mistook my meekness for weakness. It was never that, it was strength (the Lord's working through me) under control.

Beside the fact that the training guide stated that Feelers are often taken advantage of, I wondered, Why does Wendy think I'm a doormat? I admit that as a manager, I am very approachable and transparent, and I do try to consider the feelings and needs of my staff, but I manage them well. Our center functions well. So I continued to wrack my brain with the question all weekend. Why does Wendy think I'm a doormat? Then I heard a song that answered it. I respect Wendy, and I look up to her as a director. We are alike in many ways (she grudgingly admits that she's a bleeding heart), except for this one. Francesca Batistelli says it for me in her song, "It's Your Life".

It's your life

What you gonna do

The world is watching you

Every day

The choices you make

Say what you are

And who your heart beats for

It's an open door...

This is your opportunity

To let your life

Be the one that lights the way

Our training doesn't just deal with communication, it addresses building relationships. I'd like to think that's what I am: a relationship builder. And an open door. In utilizing my Feeler communication style while interacting with others, and in this case with my staff members, I try to communicate with as much dignity and respect as I can. I'm trying to leave the door of my life open so that the light will shine through and make others want to take a peek inside and learn why I'm so kind, sweet, considerate, etc. (words they use about me). And I see evidence that it's working.

So am I a doormat? Or an open door?

~Truly, Tammi

Tell Me Truly

Do you think Christian are called to be doormats? Have you ever been one for the sake of keeping the peace? I'd love to hear. Please post a comment on the blog. I will write back. Blessings!